This Time: Struggling With WHAT I Write, Not HOW I Write It

While I wrote Glory, I was excited. There was action, suspense, horror. There were characters that I loved and others that I despised (although in some way I loved them too). It was something I knew, as a reader, I would’ve loved to read.

But I was also worried. I wrote about some very serious situations. I got into some very dark themes. And I wondered how people were going to judge me for it.

That I was teaching kindergarten at the time didn’t help.

I had been at that kindergarten for three years and had had a great rapport with the children and parents. Without getting too much into it at the moment, I had a reputation with being able to help the so-called “problem” students. So much so that every year I was there I was given more and more to help.

But once my book was done, I wondered if that reputation was going to mean much. I didn’t know if people would be able to look at me the same or trust me around their children. Not after the stuff I had written.

I also wondered what my friends and family were going to say.

Honestly, I struggled.

Now, the book I wrote is a post-apocalyptic story. And I know that no one expects good things to happen in a story like that. There have been several books written like this before, touching upon the same themes. More than that, there are several books that aren’t even post-apocalyptic that touch upon the same themes and MORE. There are some dark books out there.

But this was the first that had chosen to put out there. It was the first time I said that I write those things too.

Yes, honestly, I struggled.

I still struggle to an extent. I’m much more comfortable with my work. I appreciate the entertainment value mixed with the messages I’m trying to convey. But there’s always a part of me that worries about what people are going to think.

That’s a part I try not to listen to.

I can’t. If I did, I’d never get anything done. And, if I did get anything done, it wouldn’t reflect who I truly am as a writer.

As I’ve discovered over time, I need to be true to my story. I need to be true to myself.

But, yes, I still struggle.

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